Delmarva sold to Canada for $1.8 trillion

MD-Canada buys Delmarva 3x

Dorchester Banner/Paul Clipper
The Canadian Maple Leaf flies over the Cambridge Lighthouse while the new citizens of Delmarvaland celebrate Canada’s new southern deep-water port.

CAMBRIDGE–In a late night deal, struck at two a.m. this morning, Canada has agreed to buy the Delmarva Peninsula for 1.8 trillion (900 billion each to Maryland and Delaware). The new territory of Delmarvaland will become the 11th Province of Canada, giving Canada year round deep sea ports at Cambridge, MD and Wilmington, Delaware. The Delmarva Peninsula of Virginia is not involved in the deal and remains a part of Virginia.

Celebration was rampant in the principal cities of Canada this morning, as winter-bound citizens of that country threw off their overcoats and waved Maryland crab flags while clicking steel nutcrackers like castanets. “Finally we can adopt the blue claw crab as the first official food of Canada!” shouted one frenzied participant in Toronto.

“The Canada-U.S. relationship is much bigger than any one project,” said Justin Trudeau, the personable prime minister of our new ruling country, “and I look forward to a fresh start with President Obama to strengthen our remarkable ties in a spirit of friendship and crab feasting.”

Annexing Delmarva to the country of Canada was a logical agreement that has been worked on quietly since Annapolis was approached by the Canadian Minister of State shortly after Governor Hogan was sworn in. In the United States and its new Canadian province, April 1, 2016 will be remembered as a milestone in the history of the Shore alongside the arrival of Captain John Smith.

The arrangement is expecting to make practical sense, as snowbird tourism has increased steadily and there are now over 100,000 Canadians who come south each year to Delmarva to soak up the sunshine and enjoy crabs and oysters and the great life of good “shore living.” They buy homes, they shop local, and they are now our fellow citizens, as of noon time today when Delmarvaland becomes the 11th province of Canada.

“All of North America was essentially under a common decentralized provincial system in the days of the Indians,” said a representative of the Nause-Waiwash band of Indians, “so in a sense we are returning to normalcy for the original residents of the peninsula.”

“All I can say is Wow! I’m excited,” said former Cambridge Mayor Victoria Jackson-Stanley. “Shipbuilding will be returning to Cambridge and Wilmington, and these ports will again be active as the southern-most ports in Canada. The main difference Western Shore visitors will see are the new toll booths at the Malkus Bridge in Cambridge. That alone is projected to infuse a million dollars annually into the Delmarva region.”

The new toll bridge will be a phased in transition, except for the waiver of tolls for all residents of Delmarva coming over the Bay Bridge. New EZ pass receivers will be coming in the mail to exempt all local residents from the Bay Bridge and Malkus Bridge tolls. Governor Hogan was instrumental in reducing tolls on the Bay Bridge, now for Delmarvans the tolls will be a thing of the past all together.

In related news, the Trump for President campaign has already worked talking points into their campaign platform on the possible locations of the new walls on the north and south end of the peninsula.

“Let’s face it,” said Cambridge Main Street Director Brandon Hesson, “for too many years folks on the Eastern Shore have felt disconnected to the mainland west of the Bay. But there has always been an enduring connection to Canada with millions of Canada geese flying through the area since time immemorial each year. I think this is a win-win situation, for Cambridge as well as the Eastern Shore.”

New Canadian M9 postal codes are being worked out and will be implemented in the coming weeks, and Chesapeake College is developing the new RCMP or “Mounties” police training facility in Wye Mills. Transition committees are working now on converting all local calculations to the metric system including gasoline sales, or “petrol,” as we’ll soon learn to call it.

“Over time I’m confident Delmarvans will pick up a few French phrases to make the new francophones from Quebec feel welcome,” said Paul Clipper, editor of The Banner, “and the Canadian national anthem is catchy in its own right.”

Editor’s note: We here at the Banner hope all our readers have a happy and fun April Fool’s Day, and we caution you to not believe everything you read!

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